Time Off for Good Behavior

I took a test early this morning and it was negative. My official test date is tomorrow. However, if I was pregnant, it would have shown up in today's test. I am positive about that. I buy the most sensitive tests on the market, and they are accurate on the day before your period for nearly all women.

Sure enough, two hours later, it appears my period has begun, despite my friend Prometrium.

Ryan really wants to take some time off, so we will, but it's going to be hard going through the holidays not pregnant and not in treatment.

Stagnant.

Then we'll try IUI with Follistim one last time.

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To read all the posts from this treatment cycle, CLICK HERE.

Empty Shell

God says He won't give us more than we can handle. I feel like I can't handle much more.

I don't have high hopes for this cycle, and the thought of doing another one is exhausting. If Follistim / IUI #5 doesn't work, it's IVF time (after a long break to save up the money). The thought of that is agonizing.

God: I can't take it anymore. I know others have had more treatments, more disappointments, more heartache, and they make it through. But I can't. My journey has been too long and there have been too many roadblocks, traffic hazards, and unanticipated delays.

I can't do it. I can't.

Yesterday's IUI

Yesterday's IUI was one of the best and worst I’ve had so far. :) I also hope it will be the last!

It was quite an adventure. Once we decided to proceed with the IUI, we became excited to make a day of it. Ryan was so great throughout the process and I feel so grateful that he was able to be with me yesterday.

Because my doctor’s office loves me so much, they scheduled me for the afternoon, so I could avoid the morning rush. We still had an 8:30am drop off, but the IUI would be at 1:45pm.

That morning, Ryan realized they did not give him all of the needed “equipment” for his part of the procedure. Thus, being the awesome guy that he is, he improvised!

This would be the tube from his IUI kit, a kitchen funnel (that I will never use again) and some packaging tape.

And… done!

You have to have a sense of humor about these things.

We dropped off his men and headed home to get ready for the day. We then went to lunch at a Japanese restaurant and took a long walk around the local cemetery. It was peaceful and the day was gorgeous.

Back at the doctor’s office we got started with the IUI. Because of the number of mature eggs I had this time around, I had been noticing some symptoms I had not experienced before. Nurse H put my mind at ease.

My ovaries are so swollen they are pushing on my diaphragm, making it difficult to breathe, especially when lying down. The severe nausea I’ve been having is because there is so much fluid, it is seeping out into areas where it normally doesn’t go. I have to combat that with increased fluids, no matter how gaggy I get drinking all that water.

Nurse H also told me to expect a lot of cramping, pain, fullness, heaviness and bloating. And she was right! I got them all.

Even so, we decided the IUI was not the end of our day together and Ryan took me to the gun range. We had a great time and I enjoyed doing something he loves so much with him.

Upon returning home last night, I felt the full effect of the increased ovulation. This was the most painful IUI I've had to date. I was walking around like an old woman and had to be gentle when standing up or sitting down. Today, I still feel many of these same symptoms.

But I don’t begrudge them at all because I believe these aches and pains are just pushing me closer to holding my babies someday.

Mid-Cycle Ultrasound

My mid-cycle ultrasound on Friday was an emotional experience. I knew there were going to be big results. I had tremendous side effects and I felt more going on down there than I have in any other cycle. Even so, I didn't expect to leave the appointment with teary eyes and a spinning head.

Nurse H did my ultrasound. I knew things were interesting when (as she was looking at the ultrasound screen) she said, "Now remind me, you are not open to selective reduction, right?"

Oh no.

I have 7 eggs total: one 16mm, two 15mm, two 13mm, and two 11mm. Five of those are considered mature enough to be fertilized. Nurse H said I wasn't to the point that they would cancel the cycle, but I am at risk of becoming pregnant with multiples.

Since then, it's been an emotional journey. After talking with Ryan, many prayers and a trip to the temple, we are proceeding with the IUI on Monday.

Dear Follistim,

Over the course of our relationship, I have put up with a lot. And happily too, I might add. I have worked through tiredness, grumpiness, abdominal cramping and, worst of all, severe headaches.

I so appreciate the chance you have given me to become a mother. I am willing to go through just about anything for that to happen.

That being said, I don't know how much longer I can live with this current, unexpected side effect. The hundreds of small, itchy, painful bumps all over my face and neck is a hard pill to swallow. Nothing helps. Nothing. It is slowly making me insane.

I won't give up on you, and if I have to live with this for the next week, so be it. But please take mercy on me and let up just a little?

Sincerely,

RashFace

Base Ultrasound & Medication Reaction

Friday was my base ultrasound. I asked 2 questions:

1. Should we use something stronger than Prometrium during our next 2ww, considering I started my period while still on the medication?

Nurse H did the ultrasound and agreed that maybe we should try something else. She has two options for me, and they are checking if either of them would be covered through my insurance (thus far, the Prometrium has been the ONLY thing my insurance has helped with).

2. Does Follistim become less effective after several cycles (as the Clomid does)? Should we stick with our plan of 5 Follistim / IUIs total?

No, the effectiveness of Follistim does not decrease each cycle. You could technically use that method forever. She thinks if this one doesn't work, we should try 1 - 2 more. After that, we will want to weigh the increased chances of success with IVF with the increased cost and decide where to go from there.

My dosage this time is similar to last time: 100iu for 2 days, 75iu for 4 days. Mid-cycle Ultrasound is this Friday.

The last 2 months of Follistim brought me severe headaches. This time around, the headaches have been rare to non-existent. However, today (Day 2 of the stims) I developed a rash of tiny bumps all over my neck and half my face. It is itchy and painful. I tried to determine where they came from and I am fairly convinced they are from the Follistim. A read through the possible side effects confirmed that this is a good possibility. Nothing helps... Benadryl, Cortisone Cream, nothing.

My choices were to stop the cycle and wait until next month to try something new or push through it and hope it goes away. Considering I just spent $600 on this medication, I decided to push through it. I've resorted to pressing a cold, wet washcloth on my face all evening. I pray that this doesn't last throughout the whole week...

It is so amazing to me how different each cycle can be.

She's Back

Well, the spotting became a full blown period. I am so surprised, as that has never happened to me before. Usually, I have to stop the Prometrium and a couple days later my cycle will begin. I plan to ask about this and see if there is something else we should be doing. I have always believed that part of my problem is a luteal phase defect and low progesterone. I am wondering if they will change the protocol this next round.

Day One means a lot of things… disappointment… annoyance… cramps… but it also marks the beginning of the next cycle. I am happy to move on and try again, but also a bit sad.

This will be Follistim / IUI cycle #4. When Ryan and I talked about how many of these we’d try, we always said 5. Dr. Synn agreed with that decision. If we stick with the plan, that means we have only 2 more of these treatments before we hit a crossroad.

Do we stop there and start saving for IVF? At $10,000 - $12,000, we could be on hold for a long while. But when we did try again, our chances of success would be nearly twice as much as this treatment. Then again, I did get pregnant on this treatment. And we could try this route four or five more times for the cost of one IVF. It is a difficult dilemma. I guess the first step is to ask if the chances for success with Follistim decrease with continued use, as they do with Clomid.

And then there is the option of adoption, which we are open to. The problem is it will cost nearly as much as the IVF (as of now) and the information I’m getting from LDS family services (the agency we’d most likely use) is discouraging. Hundreds of adoptive couples, a small amount of babies available, and higher fees on the horizon (possibly double what they are now) is not good news for wanna-be parents like us.

My hope is that I won’t have to make these tough choices… that the next cycle is the winner.

My base ultrasound is tomorrow.