Results.

I guess the spotting yesterday that looked identical to the implantation bleeding I experienced last time... wasn't.

I was really angry last night after I tested. I was going into testing day clueless about the outcome. I was prepared to accept a negative result, UNTIL I got that spotting. Then I allowed myself to believe and was crushed when I saw that single pink line.

I do not understand why I was put in that position. "Everything happens for a reason." I can see that in most things with this struggle, but not this. I didn't see any purpose to getting my hopes sky high and crushing them down. It felt like a mean joke.

It was a rough night.

This morning the spotting started again and now I see it was my period breaking through. I'll need to ask about that, as the Prometrium is supposed to prevent this from happening.

The scariest thought I've had over the last 12 hours? What if last month was the only time I'll ever get pregnant? What if I am one of those girls who gets pregnant once, miscarries, and is never pregnant again? I know it happens; these women survive and eventually move on. But that is a future I'm not ready to imagine...
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To read all the posts from this treatment cycle, CLICK HERE.

Please don’t let this be a cruel, cruel joke!

I am spotting! It is pink to light red and looks pretty dang similar to last time. It could be my period trying to start, but during all my other treatments on Prometrium, the only time I saw any color was last month when I was pregnant…

I’m supposed to test tomorrow morning. We are sticking with our plan though and testing tonight. Although the test is most effective first thing in the morning, I feel like tonight is close enough and we got a positive result last time on the evening prior to testing day.

If it’s negative tonight, I’ll still take my medicine and test one last time tomorrow morning, just to be sure.

I am afraid to hope!

And the Beat Goes On

As is always the case with the “two week wait”, once testing time approaches the hope dwindles. This is especially true this time around. I occasionally have little twinges and pulls, but who knows. It could just be digestion. ;)

The implantation bleeding I experienced last time was MIA. While I know each pregnancy is different, it was really hard not to see that nugget of hope this time around.

Also, there’s the idea that I couldn’t possibly get pregnant again my *first* treatment after the miscarriage. I am just not that lucky, right???

I am patiently waiting to see what happens…

High Hopes - Always a Dangerous Thing

I've got hopes for this cycle. High hopes. It doesn't help that I am having the same twinges and pulls in my abdomen that I did last time (when I became pregnant). Implantation??? Maybe... Maybe not...

No implantation bleeding yet though. I've been checking for it constantly, now that I've had that pregnancy symptom before. It feels like the old days when I was waiting for my period, hoping it wouldn't come, and checking to see if it did all the time. Now with the Prometrium, my period won't come on its own, so I thought I was done with "checking". Thanks infertility for bringing me another fun bathroom activity!

I didn't have Ryan hide the pregnancy tests this time around. I trust myself more now. Plus, after some convincing, I got Ryan to agree that we can test Wednesday night instead of Thursday morning, just like we did last time. Seeing that BFN on Thursday morning and then going straight to work would be hard. Seeing a BFN on Wednesday evening would give me time to grieve before venturing into public again.

There is the update! I hope no one reads this for a loooong time! ;)

This IUI

Yesterday afternoon, I was at my desk preparing for a client meeting. All of a sudden, I felt a huge yank on the left side of my abdomen. It took my breath away. A few other yanks followed and then a dull aching and cramping. The cramping soon began in my right side as well.

I debated calling the doctor's office. I was afraid I was ovulating and my IUI wasn't until 10:30am the next morning. I pride myself on being a 'trusting patient'. I am still my own best advocate, but I make a conscious effort to trust their protocol and relax. They aren't perfect, but they know what they're doing.

I did a quick Google search and it appeared an egg has 12 - 24 hours to be fertilized before it deteriorates. This concerned me, so I gave in and called the doctor's office.

They put my mind at ease quite quickly. The yanking and pulling could be ovulation, but it could also just be my body preparing to ovulate. Either way, they assured me I wouldn't miss our opportunity. It was intense because of the amount of mature eggs I had this time around. Last time, I had 1 large egg and 7 smaller ones. This time around, I had 3-4 large ones (and 1-2 small) and I guess that makes a big difference.

The cramping continued until early evening, and then subsided. Later that night, I felt a bit more on the right side.

This morning, we dropped off our 'sample' at about 8:30am and had two hours to kill while we waited for the IUI appointment. We went and got some breakfast (Starbucks for me, Sonic for him). The weather was nice, so we just ate and relaxed in the car. Ryan fell asleep, poor guy. He worked last night and works again tonight.

Finally, it was time to head back to the doctor's office. It was super busy, but we eventually made it into the little room. This IUI was done by Nurse H. My cervix wasn't as "cooperative" as it has been in the past and it was a bit painful, but everything went smoothly. I've had some cramping since, especially on the right side and down low.

I came home and took a long 3 hour nap. I've been up for a few hours, but I could go back to bed. I'm exhausted. This process is emotionally and physically draining. But so worth it if it results in a baby that will be ours forever. :)

Feeling Happy and Hopeful

I had my mid-cycle appointment today. I had no idea what to expect. I had felt a lot of tugging and pulling last Thursday and Friday, but that tapered off some over the weekend.

I have five measurable eggs (3 on the right / 2 on the left). It appears three of them will be mature enough at ovulation to be fertilized (another one is borderline). So, while it is possible that triplets could result, it is unlikely and the chances of more than triplets are slim to none. That was reassuring. If I could guarantee that all three babies were healthy and happy, I would love triplets (once I stopped hyperventilating). But there are no guarantees in life, so I am open to whatever God gives me. Just give me something! Haha

Nurse M went on and on about how wonderful my lining looks. That made me feel good too. It seems everything is ‘perfect’ this time around. I’ve even read studies that say the first few months after miscarriage are your most fertile (some people dispute this). But I have to remind myself that even in the most perfect of circumstances the chances of this working are 18%. And there is a chance for another miscarriage as well.

So I will trigger tomorrow night, and the IUI is on Thursday. I was thinking, “Wow, it will only be a few weeks until I can post all these ‘secret’ blog postings…” but that’s not really true. If this cycle is successful, no one will be reading this until late December at the earliest. Weird! :)

What a Headache!

After the whole miscarriage roller coaster, I am once again trying to keep the timing of my treatments private. I tried that with our first Follistim/IUI, but because of certain obligations, I had to miss out on events and find substitutes and the word soon got around.

The second Follistim/IUI treatment, I was open about the timing from the beginning. So when I got my BFP, I felt I needed to tell as everyone right away, as they knew the exact day I’d be finding out anyway.

We watched the heartache of close friends and family who had waited so long for that good news, only to see it taken away a week later, and we decided we couldn’t go through that again. Somehow, someway we would have to keep this next treatment private.

So far we’ve been pretty good. My co-workers might know (because of the missed work due to appointments), but to the world at large our secret appears pretty safe.

The benefit to doing this is I can vent all I want and I don’t feel bad because no one is reading this (yet)! In the past, I sometimes tried to censor myself for fear that people would think I was trying to get sympathy. By the time anyone reads this, I will be way past this point. No sympathy needed (or wanted either!).

This cycle reminds me of our last one, but with an even stronger headache. The nurse told me that the headache is a sign I need to drink more water. I am supposed to drink half a gallon a day. On Tuesday (day 1 of the shots; day 3 of my cycle), the headache came within an hour of the first dose. I had already drunk my required half gallon of water before dinnertime and still it was there. By Wednesday morning, it was gone… just in time to take my second dose. Sure enough, an hour later it was back. I’ve just come to accept that it will be my companion during the 6 days or so that I take this medication. It is just interesting that it gets worse with each cycle, although this time makes more sense because they did increase my dose slightly.

Other than that, I am still plugging along, doing my shots and appreciating every moment. Any time I start to complain too much, I think back to where I was 2 years ago…

I was sitting in a psychologist’s office sobbing hysterically because we had too much debt and not enough money for treatments. The stock market had tanked, my career was stalled, and we were basically paycheck to paycheck. There was no light at the end of the tunnel and I was in the midst of a deep depression. No hope, no encouragement, no way out of where I was. I was so hysterical, at one point, she had me hold onto this little machine and concentrate on the patterns of the vibrations it made. Looking back, I think she was just trying to distract me enough to calm down so I could drive myself home.

Whenever I begrudge the shots, the emotions, the disappointments I am feeling now, I picture that person sitting on that couch holding onto that stupid vibrating machine. And it makes me grateful for every bit of it… even the headaches.

Baseline Ultrasound

Today I met with Nurse M and had a baseline ultrasound. Everything looked great... no cysts and my uterus appeared normal. So we will proceed with starting treatment up again.

Starting tomorrow, I will take 100 iu of the follistim for 2 days. Then I'll lower the dosage to 75 iu for 4 more days. My mid-cycle ultrasound is in one week.

I am a bit nervous about how the increased dose will work with my body. Last cycle, I took 75 iu for 6 days and I had some pretty uncomfortable side effects, not to mention 8 eggs at my mid-cycle ultrasound. But, as I've said several times, I am trusting the medical professionals as well as God above that it will all turn out how it's supposed to.